Category Archives: Pop Culture Echoes

Pop Culture Echoes

Update: One foot in the Grave – countdown to my 60th Birthday has begun

Date 3rd July 2026


Only thirteen days to go until I hit the big 6-0, and I have to admit I’m getting quite excited about my upcoming trip to Belfast and spending time with the people I love and cherish most in the world.

At the same time, I’m feeling a little apprehensive. Reaching such a milestone age has got me thinking a lot about the future, and the need to start looking after myself better and making some long-overdue lifestyle changes weighs heavily on my mind.

I also need to get my finger out and start pursuing some of the projects I’ve had on ice for the past few years, including:

Finishing my follow-up book

I’ve already mapped out the chapters and started writing several of them, but if I’m being honest, my head hasn’t been in the best place over the last few years. I need to shake off the blues, regain my focus, and get back to it. Time is moving on, and I don’t want to leave this unfinished.

Getting back to work on my screenplay

The screenplay is loosely based on my book – think Philomena meets Trainspotting and Quadrophenia, if you get my drift. Music will play a huge part in the story, and the soundtrack I’ve mapped out is absolutely epic.

A well-known UK screenwriter has expressed an interest in the project, but unfortunately he’s tied up with other commitments at the moment. While I’d love to have him involved, I can’t afford to sit around waiting forever.

A few years ago, I pitched the idea to Northern Ireland Screen, and they loved the concept. They asked for some rewrites, but at the time I wasn’t in a great place mentally, and the project ended up getting kicked into the long grass. Looking back, that’s one of the things I’d really like to put right.

Improving my health

On the health front, I need to stop smoking. I’ve tried countless times over the years without success, but I know it’s something I have to tackle.

I also need to cut down on my alcohol intake. To be fair, these days I mainly drink at weekends and on special occasions, but with my 60th birthday celebrations just around the corner, I’m going to park that challenge until after my Belfast trip. Then it’ll be time to give it the attention it deserves.

Having said all that, it is Friday night, and as I write this I’m enjoying a few gins and beers. I’ll try not to get too carried away… famous last words!

Laters x

Birthday wishes are lovely… but birthday drinks are even better! 😉🍸

So go on, hit the button below and help me raise a glass to another trip around the sun. Bombay Gin is always a winner 😜🎉🥂

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Date 27th June 2026

OMG… in just a few weeks’ time I’ll be turning 60, and if I’m honest, I’m amazed I’ve (almost) reached this numerical milestone.

How the hell did that happen ?

1784217000

  days

  hours  minutes  seconds

until

Until my 60th birthday

There were many times in my life when 60 didn’t just feel far away—it felt impossible.

If you’ve read my book, you’ll know my early life was full of chaos and heartbreak. Through my crazy teens and early adulthood, I abused my mind, body and soul with hedonistic excess, fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol ,  illegal drugs and a fatalistic attitude to life—one where I rarely, if ever, considered the consequences of my actions or the danger I was placing myself in.

Looking back now, I can see that I was probably trying to self‑medicate. Numbing the trauma of my early family life. Trying to escape the everyday brutal reality of growing up in the lawless paramilitary ghettos of West Belfast during the early Troubles.

But here’s the strange thing.

At the time, it all felt normal.

Don’t get me wrong—there was madness and despair in abundance, life lived permanently on edge, the constant undercurrent of violence—but it was the only world we knew. My childhood, like that of my peers, didn’t feel extraordinary to us. It was just life. We didn’t have anything to compare it to, no alternative version of normal.

Despite the odds being stacked against me somehow, I survived. And now, decades later, I’m still here—on the brink of 60—trying to make sense of it all.

Up to this point in my life, I’ve never really thought about my mortality—age was just another number to me, and I drifted through the years without counting them as they passed.

But this birthday… this one feels different.

For the first time in my life, it’s really been playing on my mind. For the first time, I find myself wondering how long I’ve got left—and what my legacy will be.

If I’m lucky, I suppose I could have another 15 or 20 years ahead of me. But when I think about how I’ve treated my body over the years—the smoking, the drinking, the drugs , the stress—I can’t help but wonder if I’ll make it much beyond 80.

It’s one of those pivotal moments in life—new pages along your journey where you stop and take stock. Moments like the birth of your children, getting married, and the loss of loved ones who are no longer with us.

I find myself looking back at what I’ve  achieved, weighing it all up, and at the same time looking forward… wondering what the future might still hold and how long I have left.

But putting all those negative thoughts aside, I am looking forward to my birthday party in Belfast—having all those I love and cherish most in the world gathered to celebrate my coming of age.

We are all getting older, and time keeps slipping into the future , whether we like it or not. And to be honest, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a big celebration. The thought of Jean not being there weighs heavily on my mind.

Her passing left a hole in my heart and soul that can never truly be filled, no matter how much time passes.

.

And yet, I know—deep down—that she wouldn’t want me to shrink away from life or let the sadness and grief overshadow everything else. She’d want me to celebrate, to laugh, to bring people together the way she always did. She’d want me to mark the occasion, not fear it.

And that’s exactly what I intend to do—celebrate not just my life, but the life I’ve shared with my children , siblings and wider family, and the unconditional love that has carried us through everything and still binds us together today.

FFS , Ive gone and depressed myself talking about Jean , and I wanted to end on a positive note. I’m away to have a beer and shake of the blues.

UK Number Ones in 1966

The Kinks Sunny Afternoon was number one on the day I was born which might explain why i love them so much. The Beatles Paperback Writer and many other choons I love also dominated the charts at the time

ArtistSong TitleWeeks at Number OneDate
Tom JonesGreen Grass Of Home729-11-1966
The Beach BoysGood Vibrations215-11-1966
The Four TopsReach Out Ill Be There325-10-1966
Jim ReevesDistant Drums520-09-1966
The Small FacesAll Or Nothing113-09-1966
The BeatlesYellow Submarine416-08-1966
The TroggsWith A Girl Like You202-08-1966
Chris FarloweOut Of Time126-07-1966
Georgie Fame and The Blue FlamesGet Away119-07-1966
The KinksSunny Afternoon205-07-1966
The BeatlesPaperback Writer221-06-1966
Frank SinatraStrangers In The Night331-05-1966
The Rolling StonesPaint It Black124-05-1966
Manfred MannPretty Flamingo303-05-1966
Dusty SpringfieldYou Dont Have To Say You Love Me126-04-1966
The Spencer Davis GroupSomebody Help Me212-04-1966
The Walker BrothersThe Sun Aint Gonna Shine Anymore415-03-1966
Nancy SinatraThese Boots Are Made For Walkin415-02-1966
The OverlandersMichelle325-01-1966
The Spencer Davis GroupKeep On Running118-01-1966

Come back soon as I will be updating this post with more details on my hopes and dreams for the future and upcoming trip to Belfast and my birthday celebrations.

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Who do you think I am ?

Pop culture echoes

Trigger warning:

⚠️This post touches on my deep pride and love of my loyalist culture and traditions and if this is not of interest or offends you , please feel free to continue scrolling.

Who Do You Think I Am?

It’s a question that divides opinion, and I’m acutely aware that many people’s first impressions of me are shaped by their political, religious, or cultural background. Those impressions are also influenced by the way my life story has been portrayed in my book and across mainstream and social media. I make no secret of my deep and abiding love for my loyalist culture and background. I know that is a deeply polarising issue, but in my experience, most people I take the time to engage with show me the same respect I give them.

The simplest answer, of course, is that I’m John Chambers. But depending on who the question is aimed at , I can be seen in very different ways:

  • To some, I’m the bloke who wrote the bestselling book A Belfast Child.
  • To others, I’m that loyalist fella who appeared in Once Upon a Time in Northern Ireland.
  • To republican fanboys and haters, I’m an orange bastard, a planter, a bigot, a racist, a neo-Nazi, they know nothing!
  • To many who follow me on X and through my website, I’m a blogger who shares interesting content, epic music, and random banter whenever the mood takes me—often fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol and the occasional spliff.
  • To my family and close friends, I’m Stephen

But anyone who takes the time to know me properly will find there is far more to me than the stereotype of a Belfast loyalist with a love of music and popular culture.

What lays beneath

Beneath that exterior, I’m passionate about social justice and deeply curious about history, politics, current affairs, science, and much more. I thrive on deep, meaningful conversation. There are many layers to my character that are not obvious to the casual—or biased—observer. If I’m honest, I see myself as one of the good guys: someone with a deep, and at times painful, empathy for people who have been dealt a hard hand by fate, as I was in my younger years. If you’ve read my book you’ll understand that statement .

Can You See the Real Me?

Although I was christened John Stephen Chambers, after my da and grandda, I’ve always been known as Stephen—with a P—by my family, friends, and the tribal community I grew up in, for reasons lost in the corridors of time.

Throughout my life, I’ve been known by many different names. At times, that caused confusion with official documents and introductions and led to mix-ups at school or later when I entered the job market and had to produce my National Insurance number or passport. Still, the variety of names has added a distinctive twist to my story, making my personal history even more interesting—if occasionally complicated.

The Names That Shaped Me ?

A Boy Named Sue

Apparently, it’s quite common across the UK and Ireland to be known by a middle name, and to be honest I never gave it much thought until I was older and had to show official ID as I entered the adult world. To add to the confusion, I have a younger cousin also called Steven (Pickle), so within the family and community we became Big Stephen and Little Steven. As a child, my family nick name was  Big Bird—not because I was yellow, but because I was tall—and, to my bemusement and annoyance, some of my cousins still call me that. Yes, Linda, I’m looking at you.

Mostly, though, my family call me Our Stephen, and I’m perfectly happy with that.

Jay and myself

One of my childhood friends and closest mates, Belfast mod legend Jay McFall, has always called me simply Chambers, and has done so since we were kids growing up in the crazy 80s. I’ve no idea why. Later, when I became a mod and started spending time in the pubs and clubs in the city centre and beyond, most people on the scene called me Chambers too. It became just another name added to the long list I’d collected throughout my life, along with all the bemusement and occasional bewilderment that came with it.

Honouring My Da

As I grew older and wiser, I came to embrace my official name, John Chambers—not just as the name on official documents, but as a way of honouring my da and keeping his memory alive. Over time, it became more than a formality. It became a small but meaningful connection to where I come from and to the man whose name I carry—someone I have missed every day since he died fifty years ago.

To carry on that legacy, I named my son Jude John Chambers, and my brother David did the same with his son, John Chambers , know as Johnny .

My dad’s name will live on. Perhaps one day, when I am dust and long gone, a distant descendant tracing our family history will come across my book or this blog post and, for a moment, feel they have found me. Perhaps through these words they will come to know the real me, and understand not only who I was, but where I came from and what mattered most to me.

” English John ”

This is a story about me making a fool out of myself with a Belfast legend and an annoying nickname my mates in Belfast insist in calling me

Link to: Why Are Names Important

London Calling

By my late teens, I had grown weary of Belfast and the chaos that shaped my daily life, so I made the life-changing decision to move to London and start over. There were many reasons for leaving, but at the heart of it was a deep unhappiness with the life I was living and a profound despair at the unending violence and brutality that surrounded me—and Belfast more generally.

I was living in the heartlands of loyalist Ulster, and there was no escaping the sectarian madness that ruled and ruined our daily lives. By then, I had started mixing with and dating Catholics, and that opened up an entirely new universe to me—one that had previously been out of bounds.

That may be difficult for people outside that world to fully understand, but throughout my childhood and teens I had been segregated from my Catholic counterparts. Apart from those I met during my many childhood hospital stays, I had never really socialised with Catholics or had Catholic friends.

I was on a voyage of discovery, and Belfast had become too small for me. So I packed my bags and my dreams, boarded a plane for the first time, and stepped into a new and exciting chapter of my life—a never-ending party fuelled by alcohol and drugs.

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    A few of my favorite choons about names

    1. Jolene’ by Dolly Parton
    2. Sweet Caroline’ by Neil Diamond
    3. A Boy Named Sue’ by Johnny Cash
    4. David Watts The Kinks/Jam
    5. ‘Lola’ by The Kinks
    6. Eleanor Rigby’ by The Beatles
    7. Come On, Eileen’ by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
    8. Maggie May’ by Rod Stewart
    9. ‘Me and Bobby McGee’ by Janis Joplin
    10. Layla’ by Derek and the Dominos
    11. ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ by The Beatles
    12. ‘Gloria’ by Laura Branigan
    13. Proud Mary’ by Creedence Clearwater Revival
    14. Mrs. Robinson’ by Simon & Garfunkel
    15. Hey Jude’ by The Beatles
    16. My Sharona’ by The Knack
    17. The Wind Cries Mary’ by The Jimi Hendrix Experience
    18. Who Are You’ by The Who
    19. Ruby Tuesday’ by The Rolling Stones
    20. Valerie’ by Amy Winehouse

    See: 100 Classic Songs With People’s Names in the Title

    Should I Stay or Should I Go – Back to Belfast ?

    Should I Stay or Should I Go ?

    I’m torn  between going or staying .

    Throughout my time living and working in London and recent  years in and around the North West of England it was always my long term intention that when I reached a ripe old age and my kids had settled into happy  secure  independent adult lives  I would relocate to Belfast and spend the remainder  of my time in the company of  friends and loved ones and the Shankill  community  that has always been my spiritual home and where my heart and soul were forged within the heartlands and hallowed streets of loyalist Belfast .

    You can take the boy out of the Shankill but you can’t take the Shankill out of the boy  , Oh so true .

    But as usual my path through life has seldom been straight forward and the Norms in their infinite wisdom and cruel nature weaved me a crooked path fluctuating  between epic highs  and soul destroying lows.

    To be honest these past five years have been the most trying and stressful I’ve faced in decades of relative happiness and personal satisfaction and to say they have taken a toll on my mental and emotional wellbeing would be something of an understatement.

    Looking back it all started to fall apart when I lost my much missed and loved  mum to cancer, a heartbreaking period that I am still trying to come to terms with.  If you are familiar with my history, you’ll know I spent many years not knowing if mum was alive or dead and the turmoil this caused throughout my early and teenage  years is laid bare in my best-selling book A Belfast Child .

    Buy Me A Coffee

    Come on – I had to get a plug in somewhere 😜

    In fact back in the early 2000’s I was seriously considering leaving London altogether (I’d had enough of the rat race and a coke habit that was threatening to get out of hand ) and the possibility of moving back to Belfast and sorting myself out was one of two tempting options opened to me and my growing family. Mum was the second and she made it crystal clear she would love for me to live closer to her and help me get back on my feet . So I delayed my return home and we relocated to a little town on the outskirts of Preston, where we have lived since.

    It was great to be so close to mum and we were able to spend quality time together getting to know each other and mending the damage of our tragic family history. The gravitational weight of my traumatic childhood has been a constant presence throughout my life and parts of my soul  will always be held hostage to the past.

    Nevertheless, this was one of the happiest and most productive periods of my life and at times it seemed I had an almost perfect life and wanted for nothing.

    But as the years ticked by the pull of Belfast was becoming stronger and I missed and longed to be in the company of those I love and cherished above all others. Mostly I missed my three siblings and best mate “ Billy “  , we are supernaturally close  and I grew to resent the years I had spent away from them.

    And a little voice inside my head constantly reminded me that we were only given a brief spell on this mortal coil and time was running out.

    Time keeps on slipping into the future

    My biggest fear , a fear shared by all of us was that one of us might die prematurely and the landscape and future of our close  family unit would be reshaped and destroyed forevermore.

    After mums’ death the only thing keeping me in England was the fact my two children had been born and raised here and all their memories and historical roots were firmly planted in English soil . So once again I kicked the idea of the move home into the long grass and settled into the humdrum existence of daily life.

    There were some high points during this period and after years of toying with the idea of seeing my story in print I finally managed to get a book deal and realised one of my long-held dreams.  Subconsciously I think I was a little uncomfortable with publishing the book whilst mum was alive , although I had completed most of it back in the late 90s and she had read and approved of the early drafts.

    As you may suspect this was not a straightforward process and there were many soul destroying bumps and rejections along the way but I persevered and much to my delight the book has went onto be a bestseller. Despite the popular misconception being a bestselling author  has not made me rich , far from it and like many I struggle sometimes financially to make ends meet. Having said that I know the book will be my legacy and fingers crossed I’m working on a film script that I hope to sell in the coming years.

    Stay tuned.

    I will be covering the whole journey from concept to publication of the book in a future post and Princess Diana features in this story.  

    Life went on and my fragile soul struggled to deal with mums passing but always in the background I had my two sister’s supporting and comforting me from Belfast. Both desperately wanting me to return, and Jean was forever begging me to come home and to be honest I wanted nothing more. I began to feel trapped in England due to the dilemma of my children and the deep roots they had planted here, and I could see no way forward.

    But the fates love to toy with the destinies of mortal men and the unpredictability of life  weaved by the wicked Norns was about to shake my world to its very foundations and nothing would ever be the same. In the space of twenty four short months I lost three members of my close family, my uncle William, much loved brother in law Richard and the hardest loss of all my beloved big sister Jean. My grief and sorrow were biblical and the pain of losing Jean took me to dark places that hunt me still.

    To make things even more difficult during this brutal period my “perfect” marriage of twenty-eight years was falling apart and suddenly I had to adjust to being a single parent and living alone in a life I had grown to detest.

    To be completely honest these events are still too raw and painful for me to write about in-depth and I will leave them here for now. but I find the process of putting my thoughts on paper cathartic and will be covering these in a later post.

    Oh , I almost forgot to mention in the midst of all this turmoil I was diagnosed with a potential life threatening brain aneurysm and I will cover this also in an upcoming post.

    All these events have led  me to a crossroad in my life and once again I am seriously considering moving back to Belfast permanently . Although I love England and its been good to me I have nothing left here but my children (and three legged cat) and they both understand and support my desire move back home. Autumn has now flown the nest and is settled with her new fella and yes I approve of him. Jude is a typical grumpy teenager and splits his time happily between his mum and me and as long as we feed him and give him money, he is happy with his lot and for me to move back to Belfast.

    But it’s not that black and white for me.

    He’s only seventeen and in my eyes still a child, although he thinks he’s a big man! I want to be there for him as he grows and matures and evolves as a young adult and be there to share and support him through the trials and tribulations life throws at him. I want to be there when he has he’s first pint in a pub , ( a regret I never had with my own dad) be there to pick him up when he falls down and be a constant presence in his life. Down the line when my children marry ( or not ) and have their own kids I want to be part of their lives and not a distant grandfather living over the Irish sea they see a few times a year. Also, since Jeans death Belfast has lost some of its magic for me as spending time with her was always a highlight of my trips home and in some ways I would feel guilty moving back when she’s not there.

    So what am I going to do ?

    Stay tuned and when I make up my mind Ill let you know x

    That’s all for now folks, I’m pushing myself to write again as I’ve not put pen to paper in almost two years and I’m a little rusty and out of practice. . So be gentle with me please.


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    Pop Culture Echoes

    /Pop

    Belfast Mods – In the 80s we give Peace a chance !

    What follows is one of the Mod chapters from my book A Belfast Child. See below on how to get your hands a personally signed copy.  

    Chapter 12

    Me as a cool mod

                   Owning the scooter meant I no longer had to wait for buses or black taxis that never arrived, or risk walking through heavily Nationalist areas where my eyeliner and beads would attract very unwelcome attention. It was bad enough walking down the Shankill in all the clobber; skirting the Ardoyne or Unity flats as a Loyalist in a paisley-patterned shirt was sheer suicide.

    The Merton Parkas ‘You Need Wheels’ TOTP (1979)

                   Of course, Mod as a movement wasn’t confined to us Prods. We knew that a sizeable number of Belfast Catholics were also into the clothes, the music and the drugs. I’m guessing that not many of them wore Union Jack T-shirts or had red, white and blue roundels painted on their parkas like we did, but aside from that they were just the same as us.

    Jacqueline’s photographs show gangs of boys and girls congregating in several spots around Belfast and no one has ‘Catholic’ or ‘Protestant’ tattooed on their forehead. All we see is a gang of young kids smiling, laughing and having fun together – just as it should be when you’re that age.

    Belfast Mods outside the city hall 1980s

                   Mod took no notice of religion. There was no place for hatred or division among the scooter boys and girls who gathered on a Saturday afternoon by the City Hall, or drank in the Abercorn bar in Castle Lane (which, ironically, was the scene of an infamous IRA bombing in 1972 that killed two young Catholic women and injured 130 other innocent people – a particularly disgraceful act in a terrifying year). Sectarian insults and deep-rooted suspicions were put aside when Mods from both sides of the fence danced at the Delta club in Donegall Street or drank strong tea and smoked fags in the Capri Cafe  in Upper Garfield Street. When Mods gathered, there was no time for this kind of talk. Hanging out, being cool and looking sharp were the only things Mods were interested in. For those moments, all the violence and oppression and misery were put aside.

    Me on the front of a book about Belfast mods

                   I say ‘put aside’ because putting aside such ingrained beliefs was about as much as anyone could do in those deeply divided days. You couldn’t forgive or forget, not when there was so much senseless killing happening on both sides. In my view, every outrage committed against our community had to be avenged and if I heard about IRA men killed by the Brits or the Loyalists I celebrated as happily as I’d always done.

                   And yet . . . .there was still the lurking knowledge that a part of my background was linked to the very community from which the IRA and its Republican offshoots came from. Allied to that, I was now one of those Mods who were mixing freely with Catholic boys and girls in the city centre, dancing the night away with them and sharing cigarettes, weed, pills, whatever, in various bars and cafes. My heart was as Protestant and Loyalist as it always had been but by now my head was telling me that under the skin, we poor sods who were stuck in the middle of a war zone were all the same. Being Belfast kids, we only needed a couple of seconds’ conversation to find out where someone was from and what religion they were but when the Mods came together this didn’t seem to matter. A person’s religion was becoming irrelevant to me , but I still hated the IRA all right.

                   At first I was nervous. I’d encountered Catholics before, of course, but only when I was younger. Now I was hanging around with Catholic kids who, like me, were already associating with paramilitary groups. Involvement in the UDA, UVF, IRA, INLA, etc was born of tradition. It was what you did if you came from Glencairn, Ardoyne, Shankill, Andersonstown. But when you pulled on your mohair suit – and, being newly minted I had a few of these hand-made, so I claim to be the best-dressed Mod in Belfast at the time – and fired up your Vespa, your political associations were put aside. We just didn’t talk about any of that stuff, and it was better that way.

    Squire – It’s a Mod Mod World

                   In my childish loyalist world, I couldn’t tell the difference between ordinary peace craving Catholics and IRA killers, such lines were blurred in my childhood world. I was a product of the tribal community that I had grown up in and republicans were our sworn enemies. But the more I got to know Catholics, the less I hated them. I was no longer lumping them all into one big bunch of terrorists. The boys I was talking to as we sat astride our scooters by the City Hall, checking out each other’s suits, shirts, shoes and girlfriends, had had similar experiences to me. I knew that, and so did they. But on those precious Saturday afternoons, when we all felt young and vibrant and just happy to be alive, none of that mattered. We ignored the madness going on around us as best as we could and yet there was always the possibility of being caught up in a bomb or gun attack from Loyalist or Republican terrorists.

    The Jam – A Bomb in Wardour Street

                   I became friendly with lots of Catholic Mods, including Bobby from the Antrim Road, who became a firm friend. I also hung out with Keith from the Westland and we spent a lot of time together. And in particular Zulu and Tom, two Mods from Ardoyne. One night they invited me up to a club they regularly frequented in their neighbourhood. Like many Loyalist and Republican clubs and bars it had a wire cage around the perimeter and doormen always on guard in case of an attack, which could happen at any time.

                   All my instincts told me not to go; it was in the heart of Ardoyne, the Catholic enclave bordered by Protestant West Belfast and one of the IRA’s most important heartlands. For a Prod, it couldn’t be any less dangerous. I imagined how ironic it would be if I was drinking in a Catholic area with Catholic friends and the UFF or UVF attacked the place and I was killed. My crazy side, however, ignored all that and, pilled-up and cockily confident, I fell in line behind Tom and Zulu and entered the club.

                   The three of us stood by the bar in our gear, chatting away ten to the dozen. After I while, I realised that a group of older men on the other side of the bar were staring at me. All the while I knew I should be winding my neck in, keeping my head down and saying very little. By now, though, I was aware I’d already said too much.

                   Zulu and Tom had already noticed. Tom nipped to the jakes for a pee and on the way back one of the men stopped him, looked over at me and whispered something in his ear. The smile on Tom’s face froze as he received the message.

                   ‘See those wans over there,’ he said as he resumed his position at the bar. ‘They reckon they can tell you’re a Prod.’

                   ‘Fuck, I knew it,’ I said. ‘They’ve been eyeballin’ me since we walked in.’

                   My stomach had turned to water. There was no knowing what these hard cases would do if they took a hold of me.

                   ‘Here’s what’s gonna happen,’ said Tom. ‘You and me will slowly make your way to the back door. Zulu’ll keep these fellas talking, then go to the jakes. Then he’ll climb out the window. OK?’

                   I wasn’t in a position to argue. The plan went smoothly and within minutes we were out of the door and away as fast as we could. We soon realised that mixing in the city centre on a Saturday was one thing; doing the same in our neighbourhoods was asking for big trouble, and I doubt we’d have got away so easily in Glencairn or Ballysillan.

    The Who – Get Out And Stay Out

                   But as usual I was up for anything and many times I ignored the risks involved, putting myself in real danger. Once I was at a party up the Antrim Rd and a gang of wee Provies came in, asking everyone what religion they were. I lied through my teeth and said I was a Catholic from Manor Street , which was half true as I had been living there at the time. Another night I met a very cute and sexy Mod girl who made a beeline for me and made it clear that if I were to come back to her flat we would have a very good time indeed. I didn’t need a second invitation and soon we were in a taxi, speeding through Belfast with a nice handful of pills in my coat pocket.

    The Who – The Real Me

                   She wasn’t wrong, we had a lot of fun in her flat that night. By the time I’d dragged my head up from the pillow the following morning she’d gone off to work. I lurched into the kitchen, made myself a cup of good strong Nambarrie tea and helped myself to the rest of her loaf of bread. After an hour of mooching about I opened the curtains and looked out at the view. Immediately, a horrible realisation dawned. I was somewhere up in the Divis Tower, a grim but iconic high-rise building in the middle of the fiercely Republican Divis Flats. Many people had been killed, injured or kidnapped within the vicinity of this place, including Jean McConville, a Protestant woman who converted to Catholicism for the sake of her husband. She had  ten kids, and her only crime was to help a wounded soldier. For that, she was taken away from her family and murdered by the IRA.

    See: Jean McConville

                   Quietly, I left the flat, gently shutting the door behind me. I made my way down a series of piss-stained stairways, avoiding the strange glances of a few women going in the opposite direction. The bleakness of this place was indescribable; the houses up on Glencairn were bad enough but this was truly a horrible, dangerous and dirty dump. With as much calm as I could muster I left the estate, not looking left, right or behind me, and walked the half-mile or so towards the city centre, where I had a much-needed Ulster Fry to celebrate yet another escape from Republican West Belfast.

                   Even so, my associations with Catholic boys and girls were becoming ever closer. A very young Catholic boy with a huge passion for music was DJing down the Abercorn and we all got to know and respect this kid who was barely out of school. His name was David Holmes and he went on to become one of the world’s foremost DJs, producers and re-mixers. It’s amazing to think that these early experiences in the Mod clubs and cafes inspired him to become the success story he is today.

    Me and David Holmes

                   Meanwhile, I’d gone from chatting to Catholics to actually dating them. I met a girl called Kathy who lived a couple of minutes from the Royal Victoria Hospital along the Falls Road. She was small and very pretty and from the moment we met we had great banter together. She was also a trained hairdresser and would cut my hair for nothing, which was also quite appealing. She could have been the one for me to settle down with, but I was young and had ants in my pants and didn’t want to be tied down at the time. Pills and parties were my thing, not tea and nights in front of the telly. Kathy understood this and we were both in it for the craic.

    The Jam – When You’re Young

                   I didn’t think about her being Catholic. Well, not much. The issue would only arise when we wanted to visit each other’s houses. From the off, Kathy was honest with her parents about the fact she was dating a Protestant and they seemed to be fine about it. We got on well and it was never spoken about, though no doubt that as parents they had their concerns. I liked them too, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable spending time in the Falls Road area. Although neither of us told anyone outside of the Mod scene that we were dating someone from the ‘other side’, these things could become common knowledge very quickly, as I’d previously discovered.

                   I was always fearful when Kathy wanted to come up to Glencairn. I made sure nobody was in the flat whenever she came and I told no one she was a Catholic. Kathy had a car (probably another attraction for me) and I remember one night the two of us driving up the Shankill towards Glencairn when we came to a sudden stop. We’d run out of petrol but luckily I knew there was a garage a few hundred yards up the road. Without thinking, I grabbed a battered metal petrol can from her boot and made my way up the road. I filled the can, paid up and strolled back to the car. I arrived to be greeted by a very white-faced Kathy, huddled in her seat so that she was almost under the driver’s wheel.

                   ‘S’matter wi’ you?’ I said. ‘I’ve only been a couple of minutes.’

                   ‘You fuckin’ eejit!’ she snapped back. ‘Didn’t ye think? Wee Catholic girl on her own up the Shankill ?

                   I hadn’t thought, but when I did I felt sick to the stomach. If, for some reason, her identity had been discovered, she’d have been in deep shit. Even young women were shown no mercy if they turned out to be Taigs in the wrong neighbourhood. When we finally returned to my flat, she was still shaking with fear.

                   The proximity of Catholic kids sometimes brought me back to the dark place – the unspoken secret that rattled around my mind and, at low points, threatened to overwhelm me completely. These crashes would usually happen when I was coming down off whatever I’d been throwing down my neck the previous evening – booze, pills, powders. I’d sit in my flat alone and think about my family – the father I’d adored and lost so early, the mother I’d never known who was out there somewhere, but who wouldn’t or couldn’t get in touch with us. My sisters, bringing up families without the help of proud grandparents. And to top it all, the endless cycle of violence and misery that was part of the fabric of everyday life in Northern Ireland. ‘Today, an RUC man was killed by a car bomb at his home in Portadown . . .  Two masked men broke into a house in North Belfast and shot dead a Sinn Fein Councillor . . . ..A Protestant man on his way to work in Newry last night was the victim of a sectarian shooting . . . Two children were badly injured when a bomb went off in central Londonderry. No warning was given . . . ..’ On and on it went:, murders, bombing, riots, robberies, protests, kneecappings, torture, imprisonment the hedonism and escapism provided by the Mod movement in Belfast was grand while it lasted, but the relentless tide of horror and misery washed it away, day after day after day.

    Belfast mods

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