A Squirrel once sh*t on my head –
It was a beautiful summers day the birds were singing in the trees and I was out walking in Hyde park with a ( rather hot ) lady nurse from Great Ormond Street Hospital and some of her nursy friends.
I’d not long been in London and was delighted when I moved jobs to work in Russell Square , as all the local bars and clubs were full of student nurses and other hospital staff and to my sheer joy they seemed to like my Belfast charm and accent and I felt confident that I may pull me a sexy nurse , if i got lucky!
Hey, I was a young hot blooded male back then.
It was also full of trainee police staff , but to be honest they kind of scared me a little and made me nervous and so I kept my distance. This was obviously a hangup from my days of growing up in Glencairn and in and around the Shankill/Woodvale and my experiences with the police thus far , as a petty criminal. Normally for joy riding ( I know, I’m ashamed of myself now , but I was a product of the time and place ) shop lifting and abusing myself with drugs ect , nothing too serious in the grand scheme of what was going on back then in Glencairn and throughout war torn Belfast. Back in those days we tended to police ourselfs ( well UDA / UVF did ) and whilst we respected the police it would never enter our heads to ask them to settle local disputes or fallouts and so I had a natural apprehension round the old bill that would take me a few years in London to shake off. The fact that the paramilitaries policed us was of little concern to us and we give it little thought, unless we were caught in the act, so to speak and then we knew would be fecked!
Once when I was in a stolen car and the police chased us all the way from the Antrim Rd, through Westland, up to Ballysillian , down Ballysillian rd and all the way up to the middle Glenciarn. I was absolutely shitting myself in the back of the car and was amazed and relieved when some how, I dont know how, we lost the police. The guys I was with were the best car thieves/joy riders in Glencairn and where legends to the many young hoods in the estate whom looked up to them. Maybe the police had been called to a more important job or something , but as we made our way through Glencairn I swear to myself I would never get in a stolen car again. Suddenly in the distance we heard the sound of police sirens coming our way and the driver put the foot down and we were almost flying as he tried to get away from the approaching police. Then he turned a corner and smashed smack bang into the car of a top UDA man in Glencian , whom was a bit of a nutter and not to be crossed. Anyways we all jumped out of the car and ran for our lives and to be honest i was more worried about the UDA guys car, than i was about the police.
Next day we were all summoned up to the community centre and questioned by the UDA about the crash and the top guy whose car we had almost written off is going ballistic and calling for blood. Denial was the only option open to us as we didn’t want to have our kneecaps rearranged , so we all lied through our teeth and stubbornly stuck to our story , despite the fact our interrogators and the mad man knew we were lying and anted to kill us . Thanks to some family connection I wasn’t shot that day, but when the guy brought a new car we had to wash it for him for the next few months and he took great pleasure expecting our work and making us do it over again and again.Lesson learnt, no more joy ridding.
Anyways back to the squirrel and the trainee police staff I certainly wasn’t brave enough at the time to hit on one and possibly be arrested. LOL
The day way going great until I heard the gentle hypnotic calling chimes of the Poke Man ( icecream van in Northern Ireland slang to those who don’t know )and thought I’d treat myself and all the nice girls to a nice big Poke.
I inquired of the ladies present if any of them would like to have a Poke with me and through howls of laughter I took their orders. Of I go and on my way through a grove of trees I look up and pause for a moment, watching as two beautiful squirrels seemed to play tag with each other , jumping and swinging from branch to branch they disappeared in to the tree tops above me. It felt like a special kind of moment in time and I was kind of entranced and touched by it all.
And then one of the little feckers shat on my head!
How feckin rude is that ?
I knew it was squirrel shit immediately because it was the most logical answer and also they were both up there in the trees, starring down at me and I swear I heard them snigger.
Also the one that done the dump on my head must have had a curry the night before because as it ran down the side of my face , hot and sticky it smelt shocking and to make matters worse I could feel lumps cascading through the shit and gagging I realised they were poo covered bits of nuts.
Bending over a tree I start throwing up all over the place and prayed for the ground to open up and swallow me alive. Sadly it didn’t happen.
Then to my utter shame and horror my Lady Nurse friend was beside me, stroking my back and asking if in a mummy voice if I was OK. It wasn’t a pretty sight to be fair and wiping my hair with a tissue I excused myself and proceeded to go get the pokes.
Sadly I wasn’t successfully that day in pulling a sexy nurse ( but more than made up for it over the comings months) and those are stories for any day.
See: The Loyalist Mod
See: How to speech Belfast : https://belfastchildis.com/2017/04/30/how-to-speak-belfast-northern-ireland-2/